if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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