The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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