Porn is love you can see.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
