I'm gonna have a badass scar
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
