I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
