I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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