I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
