I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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