I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
