you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
