i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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