dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was born a porn star she said
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
