Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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