I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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