sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
