just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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