After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
