The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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