Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
