Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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