I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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