The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
