I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
