If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
