I feel like abortions should bother me more
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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