I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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