I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
