I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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