think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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