You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
do nipples grow back?
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