I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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