She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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