hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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