I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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