I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
