oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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