"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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