She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
