well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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