sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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