My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a search helicopter?!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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