I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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