you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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