Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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