got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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