perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Two words: blizzard sex
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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