Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
