How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
