i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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