I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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