I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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