Your mouth is God's brothel.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
