There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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